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Sexual Non- Fiction |
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Midlife Marital Sexual Expression Based on Mutual Equality and Trust
Marilyn Fiedler Transformation and renewal are part of being alive in the universe. This transformational renewing can take place just about anywhere. The focus explored here is identification and application of processes. These dynamics are explicable in effervescently transforming mutual renewal in sexual fulfillment for persons in marriages at midlife. True, the emphasis is marital sex at midlife. However, we know you want to enhance an already joyful sex live. It is natural and wonderful to desire to revive sexual pleasuring. It's not about ages and stages of life. For sexual bliss making need come not stamped with a particular age cut off point. Its suitability is for all ages. Rather, then, the banquet feasted upon here in respectful sexual bliss making is between marital partners, most assuredly applying to those couples at all ages. Spicing up midlife sexual expression in marital exuberance! Thrilling in sexual enjoyment! The real targets here: Descending and ascending into superlative happiness, sexual liberty and marvelous erotic ecstasy. It's time to give up resistance to choosing sexually satisfying lovemaking. May you, the reader, take what is usable and leave the rest. This is not some treatise on what statistics tell, though many resources are quoted here for reinforcement. Instead, it is directed to those who truly love their mate. For there is a bias right from the start that these revelations only work best in a love match based on total respect and equality of personhood in partners' self-expression. The essence of this sexual philosophy of erotic fulfillment is blissfulness in sexual unfolding in marriage. Join the winning teams! Married couples who build sexual connections of interdependent nurturing. Partners in daring love who lie together build to crescendo upon crescendo of sounds of opulent connectedness with continuity in a committed relationship. Whether you find sexual expression at midlife satisfying or not depends on some simple principles. To get to the bubbling over in sexual effervescence and more subtle nuances in lovemaking takes making and letting it happen both. A nice mix does well for ringing out from inside exquisite pleasure. Four of these principles for bringing exceedingly gratifying sex in foreplay, intercourse, climax, and aftermath are featured. The principles we are exploring take one's imagination fully into connecting with one's partner. The following story entitled "The Word is that the Word Does in Love-Making" points to our first principle contributing to sizzling sexuality after one has come a distance in an intimate relationship: Every
little word counts in the new iconoclastic dissolving of old, listless patterns
of defeat in mutual wholesome sexual intimacy among marital partners. You
may have lost the luster in mustering up of new life in your love making.
Here is what has worked, a discovery to end discoveries. Take time to be
we not just us. What is the difference between we and us? It is foremost
that when you see we there is a yippee, (yippy) sound to it, i.e. enthusiasm.
Where does us go, maybe cuss or fuss. So, this story goes take the us out
of your lovemaking and put the we in. Yes, that is where it is at ENTHUSIASM! Here is an example of how to get enthusiasm back in the bedroom or wherever you and your partner may creatively be experiencing your mutuality in sexuality.Start slowly and stay that way from the beginning to the very, very end. Come into the foreplay with tiny, smooth movements that go no faster than you pleasure can take you. Keep that tempo throughout stimulation to orgasm and aftermath. Conclude with a deep breath of satisfying appreciation. Here are some encouraging words to get the enthusiasm into spasms of exquisite sensuality, from The Fires of Autumn, in a section entitled "The Evergreen Adventure of Sex:" We grow old the minute we stop exploring-with our bodies as well as our minds. Like many things we do, we can get in a rut with our sex lives. Sex celebrates living; lose interest in sex and we lose interest in living. Whether
or not you approve of some modern approaches, be frank with yourself and
your sexual partner. If sex has lost its sparkle, maybe it's the routine
that's dull, not the desire. And what you probably need is a psychological
lift, rather than a mechanical one. Certainly, enthusiasm is the place to start, continue and completely finish with in demonstrating sexual satisfaction. Next, is CHOICE. There is a choice each step of the way. That choice is each individual's choice. The choices made revolve around clear, honest communications. This has to do with relationship. A relationship where you and your partner are aware, that is open to only the deepest integrity within yourselves and each other in total and complete honesty cultivates authenticity and trust. Authenticity and trust, are the building blocks for a structure where love is your home. Authentically building trust allows telling your partner what you like and don't like in your lovemaking. This will result in working together for adjusting what you are doing sexually to contribute to each of you being complete. There has to be no deception toward yourself or your partner as you establish clear boundaries of what feels good and what doesn't physiologically and in every other way. For example a woman may enjoy having her breasts stimulated by her spouse. Her husband may be doing this in a way that stimulates feelings of discomfort rather than enjoyment. It is up to the woman to let her husband know the exact way and kind of strength she wants for optimum ecstasy. This choice to take total responsibility for one's own pleasure in interacting sexually, so that each marital partner is response-honest brings great fulfillment in sexual activity and beyond. These choices go beyond the physiology of sex. The author once heard a woman whom she knew extremely well saying to her husband, something to the effect that she didn't understand why he had to have all those hussies to sleep with. This was when the woman did not know the author was in earshot. This couple had been married for over sixty years by then and had not had more than a few handfuls of days and nights apart during that entire time. They had a very loving commitment to each other and a trust in each other that often dumbfounded the author; it was so strong. They were devotedly true to each other. However, they did have a rich fantasy life and at times some real differences of opinion. What is most a matter of choice here is where ones' integrity is. This couple had truly joyful integrity toward one another and honesty too. Their impeccable integrity and love in their monogamous relationship was a truly inspirational influence in many people's lives. Of course, the author was not there to see if there were any discrepancies in their fidelity. However, their marriage was a passionate and loving one and still this comment by the wife in this marriage. This choice making to ask her husband this question may have had to do with a real situation but more likely a soul-searching. Wholesome love and commitment to your marital partner is needed. Spiritual connectedness results from a lifetime commitment to monogamy to yourself toward your mate….this is what is completely advocated here. This example of choice is included because human beings are so complex. A rich fantasy life may include sexual fantasy toward another. The choice is there. What is suggested here is that you clearly defines your principles and values and live as completely by them as possible. To go out of a framework of your values and life-giving principles is asking for anguish that can open up much hurt. What is important to keep in mind is that even in fantasy one can run the risk of committing an indiscretion, not in harmony with the principles and values one lives by. So, to live with your conscience clear be vigilant even in fantasy about what is chosen. This requires loyalty to oneself and one's partner through and through to make the choice of remaining true to your values and principles for living. Loyalty does not have to be some lifeless commitment, which results in living in bitterness. It can be an informed choice where the choice to stay loyal to your partner completely can be filled with life. A quote from Building the House of Marriage is included to spur, you, the reader on to brand new thoughts about loyalty to bring this part of sexual and marital happiness into deeper fruition. Remarkably little is written in recent marriage publications about the virtue of loyalty. The concept seems to have been narrowed to the issue of sexual loyalty. This is a mistake. One can be sexually faithful yet cruelly disloyal and the marriage is threatened. A common example is the disclosure of intimate marital information by a spouse to a stranger at a cocktail party. 'My husband thinks he's a sexual tiger; but, honey, he is nothing but a straight missionary Saturday night not-so-live act (ha, ha, ha.)' In the book The Godfather by Mario Puzo, there is a scene where a heroin supplier is attempting to convince the Godfather to distribute heroin. The dealer reviews the incredible revenue generated by dealing in drugs. The Godfather refuses to consider such dirty business. The Godfather's son, and heir apparent, blurts out a simple, 'but Dad…' type of statement before he is silenced by his father's stare. Regardless, the damage is done. The drug dealer knows the son will be seduced by the money. The solution is simple. Assassinate the Godfather and deal with the son. In this example, the son's disloyalty resulted in an attempt on the Godfather's life, precipitating a major underworld war. The concept of loyalty within a relationship is far broader than sexual fidelity. Its importance, as illustrated by the previous example, can be equal to communication, time and territory in a relationship. In a properly
functioning marital relationship, loyalty is interdependent with communication,
time and territory. It was the Godfather's territory to make such decisions
for his family. If the son wanted to discuss the matter further, he could
have deferred the discussion until a better time, when his disagreement would
not be exposed to a stranger. In terms of communication, the son chose to
communicate from a greedy child ego state when a rational adult ego state
was appropriate to the situation. Choices then are vital to the marriage environment which set the tone for everything wonderful in a marriage from the standpoint of personal accountability in getting one's needs beautifully met. Whether it is the choice to be honest in the lovemaking itself or in our self-talk and the way which we talk to others, the choice is each partner's in the marriage. The third thrilling component to fantastic lovemaking is PRAYER. For the atheist this may be construed as constructive thought processes. The following starts with a tantalizing invitation which can be wonderfully permeated and enhanced with prayer. It is in reference to research of praying and playing as part of lovemaking. Not being embarrassed by sex…, a spouse who is imaginative about sex…, delight in undressing for the spouse…, sexual abandon…, making love outdoors…, not being ashamed of nakedness…, and being able to fight constructively with the spouse… all help to provide a modest (pun only noticed after I typed it, so maybe, it's a Freudian slip! Which might in its turn be another Freudian mistake!) explanation of sexual ecstasy. It comes especially to those who area willing to 'let go' and give themselves over to their passionate feelings. Prayer by the husband and wife together reinforces the ecstasy experience above and beyond the influence of, for example, long periods of sexual play though it has a greater effect on the ecstasy of those who rarely or never engage in such play then it does for those who engage in it sometimes… Passion
and prayer, playing together and praying together, continue to interact with
one another to produce both satisfying sex and happy marriages. Praying together is the third of the principles to having wonderful sex. In the above research reference, (Greeley, 1991, p. 74-75) it may be suggested that we are always praying, so that playing is a kind of praying. When this research connotes that prayer has more ecstatic effects for those who "rarely or never engage in such play" (Greeley, 1991, p. 74-75) than it does for those "who engage in it sometimes" (Greeley, 1991, p. 74-75) it could be that the couples who seldom play in their lovemaking are more conscious of the power of prayer. Those who play more in their lovemaking may be less conscious of the component of prayer in their play and its effect. No matter, the position taken is that prayer and constructive play in lovemaking are synonymous, because in constructive play there is a letting go of self, facilitating communication with Source. Now for the final principle, but not the end of more to come as you gather your own principles for bliss making in your love making, which is KINDNESS. Tender, loving care is implied in the three other principles. However, kindness requires top billing; it is that important. It's that noisy gong thing, meaning kindness equals love in the marriage equation. Without love sexual _expression becomes void of any real connection, a kind of static or noisy gong sounding in the atmosphere. You may protest; "Kindness and love are not the same!" May your protest by countered with this suggestion for a particular way of looking at kindness in sexual expression in marital bliss. The union of you and your marital partner happens in love, that amorphous, ephemeral quality you might say. No, here love is equal to kindness because it is all love. What does that mean, it is all love? It conveys that love really does make the world go round. At the point at which you meet your wife or husband in lovemaking, love can only be expressed in kindness. If you or your partner tries to make love without kindness, it is a distortion of your trust. Integrity is a must so kindness equals love in this sense. The other aspect is that if you are making love with your partner for gratification only and you are not truly committed to your partner in love, there is a lack of kindness. So you can't have one without the other. It helps a lot if you are committed to exclusivity, not in developing community in your environment but in your sexual partnering. This includes emotional wedded bliss to be committed spiritually to your marital partner in at-one-ment in being true to yourself in your fidelity on an emotional level to your spouse. It is advocated here, that in your union as one, (autonomous and interdependent in your orientation with each other, your marital partner and you) you will experience the most satisfaction. This perpetual marital union builds love as your home, sexual bliss an important part in your balanced living together. Unscrambling the first three principles to make an acronym to better remember them by comes with the addition of this fourth principle, kindness. Kindness completes the set, but by no means finishes it. Sexual bliss making in committed, loving marriages is vibrantly transformational in its renewal, ongoing. More principles for maximum bliss making surface in one's creativity as one grows personally and in relation to one's spouse. Good luck dear readers in your sexual bliss making with your cherished marital partner. Let us depart from this fascinating subject with our acronym and a few words of wisdom and encouragement for great sex. Give a PECK, (KISS) for PRAYER, ENTHUSISM, CHOICE and KINDNESS in sexual bliss making and beyond. You will be glad you did. No nitpicking in your lovemaking, no putting holes in your wholeness, rather see PECK AS A KISS and you will not be remiss. References Dickinson, P., (1974). The Fires of Autumn. New York: Drake Publishers Inc. Greeley, A., (1991). Faithful Attraction: Discovering Intimacy, Love and Fidelity in American Marriages. New York: Tom Doherty Associates. New Genuis (March, 2003) Retrieved March 2003 from http://www.newgenius/AWE/wordis.htm Summers,
W., (1991). Building the House of Marriage. San Marcos, California: The End
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